Tag Archives: friends

TBT – That Time I Got De-Friended (Goodbye!)

You might have been wondering what prompted me to write that rant on Facebook de-friending. Well, as a reminder, I wrote it four years ago. As I said yesterday, these stories tend to be good ones. AND! This was from back in the day, before you could just hide someone from your news feed.

I wrote the pre-cursor to yesterday’s post in response to being de-friended. Oh, and I posted it somewhere that the “friend” would be able to easily see it. Passive aggressive? Yes. Worth it? Probably. You see, this came OUT OF NOWHERE. The person who did this was one of my best friends and her way of ending our friendship was by de-friending me on Facebook. That’s also passive aggressive. I probably would have NEVER wrote something like that had I discovered that some random classmate de-friended me. On with the story!

Flashback to Summer 2009. Neon was just sort of becoming a thing, the recession was at it’s worst, and nobody had jobs. I had a great group of friends that I had known seemingly forever. We loved hanging out and we had absolutely no problem with doing low key things, like watching TV shows or movies at someone’s house because we were all equally broke and couldn’t afford going out to dinner or shopping at the mall. One of our friends was KNOWN for being a drama queen and a major one upper. If you told her that your life was going well, hers was going SO MUCH BETTER. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if you were down in the dumps, there was NO WAY things could be any worse than they were for her. While it was annoying, my friends and I tended to look past her antics because we all had the same twisted sense of humor.

We had been there through thick and thin for each other for YEARS and this summer we were ALL having a hard time. My parents weren’t working, one friend’s grandfather was on the decline, another friend worked at a camp for kids with special needs and it was really taking it’s toll on her. Our resident crazy girl (let’s call her Cray, makes it SO much easier) knew all this…so she proceeded to tell us how EVERYBODY in her family got laid off the same week and HER grandfather was sick as well….The life of Cray. The summer went on and suddenly Cray just stopped coming to things. She wouldn’t call or text in advance, she just wouldn’t show up. If we asked her where she was, she would just say that her grandfather was sick so she couldn’t make it. We didn’t want to pry too much and while we didn’t care if she missed pizza night, she started to miss some large, planned events like birthdays and holiday celebrations. At this point, we were still in contact with her and while she was willing to spill how hard it was with her family not working and her grandfather being ill, she never once asked any of us how we were doing. I’m pretty easy going so I just shrugged it off but my other two friends were getting angrier each week. The final straw for them came when she missed my birthday party without a word to any of us. I didn’t want to make waves, so I didn’t say anything, but I was really disappointed. The other two texted her asking where she was (her grandfather was sick so she couldn’t make it) and then vowed to stop speaking to her.

I’m honestly not sure if the other two said anything to Cray between my birthday party and a few days later when I posted on her Facebook wall, but she BLEW UP at me. I simply wrote a message on her wall asking how her grandfather was doing. I mean, she missed one of her “best friend’s” birthdays because he was sick, so I was worried! For some reason, this set her off but instead of calling me or texting or even privately messaging me, she wrote back on my Facebook wall saying that she couldn’t believe that I thought she was lying and that I was a terrible friend. Since I’m not a big fan of airing one’s dirty laundry on Facebook, I texted her and let her know that I was actually curious about how he was doing, but she just kept taking it the wrong way. Shortly after that, she wound up de-friending us.

I found out about this few weeks later. I figured things had cooled down and went to her Facebook just to say hi, only to find out that we were no longer friends. I let the other two know and they confirmed that she had also de-friended them. Additionally, her other “best friend” had de-friended all of us. Interesting. Anywho. I was honestly just shocked that she would do that. Looking back, I guess I shouldn’t have been too surprised since she was known for being a drama queen.

Now that I’m older, I definitely have less friends but they are all people that I enjoy being around. Cray was basically the equivalent of a tornado – she sucked us into her mess and destroyed everything in her path on MULTIPLE occasions. While at the time I’m sure I thought it was the end of the world to lose her as a friend, you eventually realize that you won’t have all your friends “forever”. I also understand that you do fall out of touch with people, but occasionally you might want to reach out to them, which is why I don’t go de-friending people that I don’t talk to “anymore”. Hopefully I’ve moved out of the phase of my life where relationships are filled with “drama”. I thought it would all be over with high school, but as some people say, high school never ends.

I know it seems petty to get so upset over Facebook. It’s one thing to decide you don’t want to be friends with a person, but by deleting or blocking someone on Facebook, that’s also saying you don’t want the other person to ever know anything about your life again. I’m sure there are some people that deserve it (hi stalkers), but I tend to not defriend people I’m no longer friends with.

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You Are The Weakest Link. Goodbye.

Alright kids, gather round. Today we’re going to talk about the ultimate burn in this day and age: being de-friended on some sort of social media. I originally wrote this back in 2009 when I swear I was the only person in my friend group with Twitter and things like Instagram didn’t exist yet. So let’s focus on Facebook because being de-friended on Facebook sucks every bit as much today as it did in 2009. I’m not really sure what the pre-Facebook equivalent would be. Being picked last for the kickball team? Someone not returning your calls? Being completely ignored, kind of like the episode of South Park where Cartman thought he was dead? Anywho. Let’s get on with this.

To de-friend someone on Facebook is basically saying “I never want to see you again. I want nothing to do with you. You are dead to me. I am cutting you out of my life completely.” Once your former lover/roommate/best friend de-friends you, your updates will no longer show up in their news feed. They won’t be forced to endure status updates, pictures posted, or Farmville notifications. But Author, what if somebody is just cleaning out their list or really doesn’t give a crap about your engagement photo shoot? Nowadays, there are ways to hide that stuff! I have plenty of people on my Facebook that post a little too frequently about their kids’ potty training that I selected to hide their updates. Also, you can hide updates from games and other things. The best part is that the other person doesn’t know you selected to hide their updates whereas if you de-friend someone and then they go to look you up for some reason, they are suddenly VERY aware of this de-friending.

Personally, I have only felt compelled to de-friend people on two occasions in my life. The first was a completely normal occurrence. Remember when Facebook was for college kids only? (Man, I’m really dating myself here.) And the best moment of your summer before freshman year was getting your college email address so you could get Facebook (or as it was known back in the day THE Facebook)? And how many random people you friended that were members of “FALL INCOMING CLASS 200X WOOOO!!” Yeah…well…after I finally arrived on campus and realized that I wasn’t actually going to be friends with all these people who I had told about my down alternative comforter and flamingo string lights, I did a little cleaning. Understandable? Yes. If you don’t know the person in real life, you can delete them. During Spring Semester, I became friends with a kid that was in one of my new classes and he actually CALLED ME OUT ON IT. He was like “Well we were Facebook friends and then you de-friended me.” Ummm…today is the first day I met you?!? But sure enough, when I checked my OLD messages, I had found out that months and months before this, we had gone back and forth about how his building was closer to the dining hall than mine. Real friendship right there. Sigh.

The other time I de-friended someone was later in my college career. I was having a bit of a stalker issue and it got to the point where I didn’t want him in my life anymore. I was doing a great job at avoiding him in person, but he would always make snarky remarks via Facebook AND he had started friending my friends to talk to them about me. I was young and at the time didn’t realize how serious the whole situation was so I simply de-friended him, thinking that MAYBE he’d take the hint. He didn’t. Instead, he re-friended me and included a little message. I don’t remember it word-for-word anymore but I’m pretty sure thought it was awfully rude of me to remove him from my friends list. I’m sorry. I didn’t like when you Facebook messaged me twenty times in one day. At this point, I had to take it one step further and block him. I had never blocked anybody on Facebook. At this point in time, my blocking knowledge was limited to AIM. I’m assuming it worked because I never heard from him (at least on Facebook) again. Also, I can’t search for him. So it does go both ways. That’s alright. I can live without his creepy/emo status updates.

So readers, what brings you to the point of having to de-friend a person? Did your break up leave you in your pajamas for a week with only your good friends Ben and Jerry for company? Did your best friend steal “yo man”? Sick of looking at somebody’s ugly mug? Or…more grown up problems…are you sick of hearing about somebody’s upcoming wedding EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.? These ridiculous situations always make for great stories, so put yours in the comments and get ready for tomorrow’s post!

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Junior League

This time last year, I was in pretty rough place. I had just moved to a city in the Northeast where I knew NOBODY. For the first time since kindergarten, I was no longer a student. It was a lot to deal with and I didn’t have anybody to deal with it with.

I had started writing this blog right around the same time I moved here. In those first few weeks, I was very adamant about keeping to student affairs-related topics, but in time decided to write some more personal things in here too. I couldn’t be the only person whose life wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies after graduation. I started chatting with some of my friends about it, but found it difficult, as many had moved to cities where they already had friends. The ones who didn’t worked for large companies that were filled with all sorts of employees close in age to them. They’d have company-sponsored happy hours and go to ball games together. Meanwhile I was just going home after work and watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.

Finally, I caved. I used my blog to figure out how grown ups exist in the real world. Like many posts, I asked for readers to give their input. I hadn’t gotten many comments. In fact, I still haven’t gotten many comments. But on this particular day, one reader decided to comment and told me about Junior League. It’s not that I hadn’t heard of Junior League before, but I imagined it to be full of rich housewives. In fact, I even posted that in a follow up. But this reader insisted that it wasn’t like that. And I decided to give it a shot.

I did some research first. Some Junior Leagues have age restrictions. Some require that you have a sponsor – a member that can vouch for you. Others say that you have to have a sponsor but then say not to worry if you don’t, you’ll just get paired with somebody. I found contact information for the League in my area. They did not require a sponsor or have any other sort of requirements, aside from being female and over 18. I decided to venture out and see what it was all about.

What did I find? Being in Junior League was like being in a big girl sorority. You had a new member period. You had to do volunteer work. There were happy hours and social events. There was an executive board. Most of the members had joined because they were new to the area and wanted to meet people. A lot of the members had even been in sororities in college! One time we joked that a happy hour was more like an alum Panhellenic meeting!

There were times when it was hard. Work got busy, but I had volunteered to be a committee head for our new member project. I almost thought about stepping down, especially when I was having problems with other group members not doing their share of the work. In the end, I decided not to. I had never been a quitter before. In college when things got rough, what did I do? I joined my sorority. At my previous job, I had an incredibly hard time balancing my job with school and my required internship, but I kept going. If I hadn’t, I would have never landed the job I have now. Our new member project wound up being a huge success and the executive board members loved it!

In May came the moment of truth. Not only was our new member period over, but we were going to find out what committees we had been selected to join. Originally I had one thing in mind, but after learning more about the other committees, I was open to not getting my first choice. In the end I wound up getting my first choice – New Member Committee. From a sorority standpoint, it’s a mix between recruitment and new member education. We’ve had a few committee meetings now and I’ve got some tasks lined up for summer.

If you are a female that’s in the same boat as me, I definitely recommend checking out the Junior League chapter in your area. It’s been an absolute blast and I have loved getting involved with something in my city that’s not work!

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Defining Friendship

My mom used to tell me I had no friends. Okay, that might be making it sound harsh. Let’s try this again…when I would come home from school and talk about my friends, there would be times where my mom would tell me that they were not my friends. This wouldn’t be a daily occurrence  but would be used when I wanted to something with my friends that conflicted with some family event or when my plans would fall through and I’d be upset. She would tell me that they were my “acquaintances” which was a rather large word for my middle-school-self to grasp. Basically, I wasn’t friends with all twenty five kids in my language arts class.

Now that I am older, I am DEFINITELY not friends with all twenty five kids that were in my language arts class. Even thinking back to my “close” friends from the K-12 days, I’m not friends with most of them anymore. I was reminded of this when I was visiting Manhattan during the holidays…on the train back, I saw a girl that looked familiar. She called out my name and it turned out it was one of my friends from my Girl Scout troop. We had been especially close early on in high school. I sat with her for the hour long train ride and I had imagined that we would have talked non-stop and pissed off the other passengers. Instead, we quickly caught each other up on major life details (she went to grad school out west and now works for a non-profit back home, her sister is doing well up in Boston) and then ran out of things to talk about. It was strange that we used to have sleepovers that lasted for DAYS and now we had  nothing to say to each other.

Even before leaving home for college, I grouped my friends based on how I knew them. Cheerleading friends, camp friends, music friends. This continued into college with sorority friends and dorm friends. Now, I lump them into broader groups.

Home Friends

Whenever I go home, there’s a handful of people that I always see. I’ve actually been friends with the majority of them since elementary school. What’s interesting is that I was friends with each one of them separately and later on they all became friends with each other. When I moved back home for an extended period of time, we would do EVERYTHING as a group. There are also some people that I was close with in high school that I will definitely make time for, but it’s not like I see them EVERY time I go home.

Undergrad U Friends

From my freshman floor, I talk to one person on a regular basis and it’s my ex-boyfriend. Not even my roommates. I don’t talk to anybody from my classes (maybe that’s because I took my career in a completely different direction). The people I still talk to from college can be lumped into “music friends” and “sorority friends” but I feel like as the years go on, there are less I talk to from each group. I do still try to go back for large events sponsored by each group and it’s great to see my fellow alum when I head back. Also, a lot of my friends from these groups both stayed close to our college town, so sometimes I will head up there even when there’s no big event!

Grad School State Friends

My cohort was rather close, but I haven’t seen any of them since we graduated. I chat online with them every so often. What’s nice is that we all have similar jobs, so we can toss ideas back and forth. Several of us are from the same area originally and we tried to plan something for over break, but the snow decided to ruin those plans. I would love to get together with them sometime! We kept joking about going to ACPA in Vegas…but let’s be serious, we’re all poor.

New Friends

Now that I have lived here for over six months, I’m starting to make new friends, including some that don’t work at PDFM U! I know someday I will leave this place and I’m curious to see which friends stick around for the long haul.

How do you like to stay in touch with all your friends from the past? Any fun traditions?

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A Friend In Need Is A Friend Indeed

I have a lot of friends in student affairs. This makes planning social gatherings extremely hard. Some were in my grad school program, others I met during conferences, and I even have a bunch of friends that I went to school with who wound up in student affairs by chance. I feel lucky that I have friends that understand what I do outside my workplace.

Sometimes I use my friends as resources. I’ll ask them a question that I feel stupid asking my boss or I’ll see if they’ve ever handled a situation that I’ve never seen before. Sometimes I vent to my friends. They understand that while I LOVE working with students…there are just some students that…ugh…you understand, right?

Recently, I had a friend who’s resident attempted suicide. Before I go any further, yes, she is okay now (physically at least, I don’t know her mental state). Nobody wants to get a phone call with bad news on the other end. My friend has had a relatively quiet few years in Residence Life, so this was a first for him. Unfortunately, this is something that has happened to me before. Both of our situations were creepily similar. Both events happened when we were on vacation so I felt bad that my RAs weren’t able to seek me out during the situation, he was upset that he wasn’t able answer his door when residents knocked. He felt responsible, as if the entire situation could have been avoided if he had just stayed home. I was able to tell him that it’s not the end of the world and his resident did not purposely do this because she knew he was on vacation.

I know that I can’t constantly run around sharing all the details of every situation with everybody I know, but I truly appreciate having friends in so many areas of student affairs and at different levels! I know that I am never alone when handling a situation so thanks for all that you do.

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