it’s thursday night and i’m on duty
and i’m so tired i won’t need to count sheep
i’m cozy and warm in my bed, dear students
so please go the fuck to sleep
the windows are dark across campus
yet my duty phone starts to beep
i’ll walk across campus and deal with your problems
if you swear you’ll go the fuck to sleep
and now there’s a knock on my window
it’s just a student, not a creep
your key didn’t get stolen, that’s bullshit, stop lying
now go back to your room and sleep
the students start their stumble across campus
over puddles they drunkenly leap
it’s three thirty in the fucking morning
jesus christ, what the fuck. go to sleep.
all the staff members off duty are in dreamland
back to my bed i sneak
oh there’s vomit all over the bathroom?
god damn drunks, why can’t they just go to sleep?
to the assholes running down the hall upstairs
stomping your incredibly loud feet
last time i checked, you were humans not elephants
settle down. go the fuck to sleep.
you know when the dining hall has good food
and how to chat with your friends without making a peep
how come you can do all this other great shit
but you don’t know when it’s time to lay down and sleep
hey you drunk girls outside my window
trying to have a conversation that’s deep
none of you will remember this in the morning
so why don’t you come inside and go the fuck to sleep
the students are finally returning home now
following one another into the lounge, like sheep
oh, you didn’t know that water is supposed to go in easy mac? there goes the fire alarm
and now you want to go to wawa? fuck that. go to sleep.
i think the birds are starting to chirp now
i want to throw this phone into a creek
my life is a failure, i’m a shitty-ass reslifer
stop fucking with me, please, and sleep
there are only infomercials on tv
as i lie here and openly weep
dear god, will this phone ever stop ringing?
who the fuck cares? i’m not gonna sleep.
it’s time to bust another party
the music is loud and the drinks are cheap
the students win, they escape, they run down the hall
as i nod the fuck off and sleep
bleary and dazed i awaken
to find a student staring at me, what a creep
my fingers crossed tight as i tiptoe away
that all you students are fucking asleep.
i am back in my own bed now
and then my alarm clock goes off with a beep
oh shit goddamn it you have got to be kidding
i have to go to work now while all you students are asleep